Should I Be Like My Mother or My Father?

In recent years, psychological awareness experienced by individuals in their personal lives has become increasingly common. The spread of such awareness is inevitably influenced by changing needs and demands, the increasing individualization of people, and the reduction of social spaces to dimensions that fit on a small screen.

In this context, what should be the standard when making certain decisions? For instance, when someone says, “I will not be like my mother!”, where do they begin?

The Measure Inherited at Birth

Decisions regarding an infant who lacks agency are typically made by its parents—the mother and father. This dynamic continues throughout childhood as a process in which caregivers gradually grant the child the courage and authority to make their own decisions. This process can be considered a healthy factor in the child’s development and life journey. Conversely, it is also possible that a child who never gained the space to make their own choices grows into an adult who feels perpetually occupied or controlled.

Birth Through Measure

To continue defining oneself while accepting all possibilities—freedom or captivity, occupation or legitimate entry… For a person who finds strength within themselves and carries their own light within the heart, blame or withdrawal are not preferred options. At certain stages of life, a person tries to understand through a lens of accusation; at others, they avoid even looking at the window. They struggle, become angry, assign blame, accuse themselves, blame their mother, resent their father, or attempt to rebel against life itself. In truth, all these turbulent states may be the pains of a spiritual birth. Experiencing one’s own spiritual birth years after physical birth can be seen as an opportunity to endure the initial labor. To be pregnant with oneself and give birth to oneself: to reunite with oneself, and thus find life within one’s essence…

Heritage Selections

The sense of belonging that arises from longing for one’s place of birth, homeland, and childhood may serve as a sturdy root that anchors a person to life. Feeling connected to one’s lineage, family, home, city, the bus route used every week, the brand of one’s car—all these are elements of belonging. To establish trust, one needs this sense of belonging. A person carries within themselves a fragment of what they belong to or feel they belong to. It may be a glance, a gesture, a smile, or an accent. Perhaps it is the ability to weigh things fairly, to leave nothing short of a single centimeter in measurement, to give due recognition, to stand upright, or to avoid falsehood. These are the legacies left to a person after birth. They are markers of identity: a person is distinguished from hundreds of others by their word, their smile, their sense of justice. In other words, a person is selected from their heritage.

Like My Mother or My Father

For a person who witnessed their own birth, these legacies are precious and rare fragments. To transform the invisible inheritance of one’s mother and father—those who enabled one’s existence—into something visible and felt through one’s own filter, and then to carry them as precious jewels, is the result of a great struggle that demands both self-respect and self-love.

It Should Be Better, But Not “Not Like That”

By categorizing the traces left on us by our parents as markers of existence, and continuing to carry them through life, we may be offering them the most compassionate treatment possible. When we view ourselves as one link in the chain of before ourselves, ourselves, and after ourselves, accepting these traces as heritage becomes a force that carries both our own existence and our sense of belonging beyond the present. To take the way your mother stroked your hair and gently stroke the heads of small children with love; to take your father’s indifferent glances and respond to your own child with attention; to take the compassion of your grandfather who gave his jacket to a stray cat as a nest and choose not to disturb the cat eating its meal… Whether painful or sweet, all these traces remain because I am I, you are you, your mother is your mother, your father is your father. They should not be rejected; they should be improved, more deeply understood, and learned to be loved and respected.